The Greatest People on Earth (at least my part of it) *please read post and reserve judgement on my corniness with the photos

so i have a problem of polishing whatever i write to the point that it is good enough for me. i recognize that is usually a good thing. but it keeps me from being productive. i am not a "stream of consciousness" writer like James Joyce, though i wish that i was more than i wish i could play an instrument well (which is a ton). anyways this is my solution: Firstly i will not correct any mistakes, so if there is a misspelling or grammar

 error or something is wrong with my sentence structure I AM NOT FIXING IT and i have to piss SOMETHING FIERCE and i will not let myself go until i finish this blog and write everything i want to say: which is a lot and comes straight from my heart. so get ready and pray that i don't mess up my bladder cuz THIS IS NOT COMFORTABLE.

so here is the deal: i have great friends. the problem is that i divide them into two groups. which is completely unhealthy. the RA group and the Mercy house guys (which a grouping of this term doesn't exist anymore except sometimes in my head). this bad becaue i see people as groups not as individuals. like they are. i dont feel connected with some of them alot. they challenge me, they are genuine, and they are striving for something good even if that is just inner peace or being an entirely new and different kind business person. both i respect and love. i have been too selfish lately, selfish with my time. most of my time is spent thinking about me. i need to give that time more to these guys.

i am sorry if you are reading this now and our relationship could be better. i feel at fault. too many times i am not real. i am not true to myself and to you in a conversation. like the quote from i heart huckabee's "how am i not myself" i ask the opposite "how am i myself?" i often don't feel like i am and it keeps me from being close and real and intimate with friends. it takes away from laughs, from a deep conversation going deeper. i hate this. i just read martin buber for the first time for an ethics class. and i want to value you for just your being, entirely not labeling you and relating to you in an eternal way. 

i feel out of place. i wish i was more with certain friends that i fear may be getting away. i feel connection being lost in something that could be a lifelong collaboration towards the betterment of eachother and thereby the earth. i think this is happening or could happen with friends like isaac, ian, ben, joe (4 people whether they know it or not i admire and look up to and love) it has already happened with some people. maybe this is entirely too dramatic and i will end up regretting being too sentimental sooner than later. but things just seem on a slippery slope. like we end up not living together next year/this summer and then we become casual friends - a scary thought for me as i realize i have more casual friends than best friends - and then we over the years lose touch. this would be a huge tragedy for me. so i may regret saying for its sentimentality but it seems pressing enough in my head right now to express it. 

thing is i just generally feel scared about the future. what the hell is going to happen? with me, my friends, what we do. i hope it is together. i hope i find community. god, i hope i can find a toliet soon! but i am not quite done.

abbie, you are my best friend. i dont know what i want. i cant change that. you know this stuff, but it seems to make more real to write it. i dont know what will come, i have to be true to myself, to you, and the future. i love what you are doing with yourself and your life. it has been awesome to see you grow. i hope i can recognize you as a new person, it is a daily struggle. this doesnt completely capture all i should say or what i could say. sorry about that

UGGH - like a Achebe said, 'things fall apart" what is worth pursuing? i know some of these friends i mentioned earlier are and other things and people are not. i cannot waste time anymore. it so tempting for me to go it alone. sometimes i love it. but it is always depressing. i cannot make it alone. nor should i. i am not alone. i am not alone. i am not alone. i have great friends like josh, matt, kyle, wieler, todd, joe, paul, tandy,  basically all the smith ras and trent and so many more that is too much to name and some mentioned above who have helped me through so much. if i ddint have you i would have went insane at some points. so thank you. thank you for showing me life is best done together. that all is not darkness. may i be there when you need it too. i hope i can be a better friend. you guys deserve it. 

this has been a throw back and prayer for the future. i hope this future is mutually wanted. i did this stream of conscious style. so one on hand i am pretty proud of that in one sense bcause i have never done this before, so it is kinda of groundbreaking. however, i may have left somethings and some people out. for that i apologize. i love you too just as much. so i did correct some stuff, but in my defense not that much. now it is time for me to take a wizz.

God Bless

Joseph